Monday, August 18...Hub talked me into taking a pregnancy test. It was negative and we were both surprising upset. I cried most of the night. We had been doing so well and then suddenly all of the feelings came rushing back. I kept thinking about the baby that I "had", but "lost". Now, we were going to be another six weeks behind on our "schedule". I remembered the panic that I feel every time someone asks me about Princess. I know what the next question will be..."So, when are you going to have another one?" It takes all of my willpower not to outwardly grimace. My response lately has been a generic, "We've been busy, but we're thinking about it." Oh, boy, are we thinking about it. All The Time. I REALLY wanted to be pregnant. To have the big belly, to feel it kick, to hold it and rock it to sleep. I was ready!!!
Sunday, August 24...Hub's 30th birthday. His family was up for the weekend, so I didn't mention my suspicions to him. At his party, I elected not to drink, just in case. I still hadn't started my period and I just didn't see how my symptoms added up to anything other than a baby. For the first time ever, I took a pregnancy test without telling Hub. There was one test left over from the pack we used the last week, so I thought I'd just see what happened. I got an "invalid result", which apparently means that I took the test wrong or the test was broken. At this point, I was a pro at pregnancy tests, so I knew it was just a janky test. It was generic, so I made a vow to only buy name brand tests from now on. I'll admit, I was a little on edge after that. Considering that the miscarriage had resulted after faint positive lines, I was leery of these tests anyway.
After weeks of abstaining, my next journal entry was....
Monday, August 25..."Norman Mailer--I'm pregnant!" *Gilmore Girls, Season 5
We decided to take a pregnancy test and were overjoyed to get a very solid positive result. The lines were not at all faint. We took another to be sure, of course, and got the same result. Tears, laughter, hugs, kisses....underscored by some hesitation. Our last experience shocked us, so this time we knew we'd be a little move reserved. We vowed to be excited and enjoy our time with this baby, however long it may be. No point in worrying about what we can't change, we said. Obviously, easier said than done.
I immediately called my doctor's office to schedule an appointment. When I spoke to the receptionist, she asked for my LMP (last menstrual period). I explained that I had a miscarriage the month before and I didn't have a period in between, so....May, I guess? I remember what she said, "If you've had a miscarriage, then we consider this a high-risk pregnancy. You'll need to speak to a nurse." I was expecting a little more attention this time around, but her words alarmed me. "High-risk pregnancy"?
The nurse said that they'd like to test my hormone levels again. When I reached a certain level, they could do a sonogram to date the pregnancy. So, back to the lab to have blood drawn.
Wednesday, August 27......Results from blood test #1: HCG was 232, Progesterone was 11.8. I was crying when the nurse called because I was so worried. She said we'd test again tomorrow and get me results right away. By her calculation, I was probably 2-4 weeks pregnant. I was worried because my lower back was hurting again, but the doctor said not to worry.Thursday, August 28......Results from blood test #2: HCG was 626, Progesterone was 9.3. My HCG nearly tripled, so that was good news. However, my progesterone went down, so the doctor put me on a progesterone supplement. The doctor said we'd retest my levels next week and once my HCG hit 2,000 they could do a sonogram.
When I read the information sheet about the drug, it said that you shouldn't take it during pregnancy. Obviously, my doctor knew I was pregnant, but then I wondered what the danger was. I did a little research and found that some people believed that this supplement would keep a pregnancy that perhaps should otherwise be allowed to miscarry. I suddenly didn't know how I felt about this. With the first miscarriage, I remember them telling me that something was likely very wrong with the baby and that is why I was miscarrying. I would sit there crying to myself, "But I want this baby, however it is." But, did I really want that? I wasn't sure. If the baby would be very ill or have life-threatening problems, did I want to deal with that? Would it be fair to the baby? I felt like I was being tested on a moral level.
I called the doctor and asked her about this. She said that the supplement would NOT hold a pregnancy that would otherwise miscarry, but would help keep a healthy pregnancy. If a miscarriage was inevitable, this supplement would not stop it. That made me feel better.
Thursday, September 4...Results from blood test #3: HCG was 3,790, Progesterone was 28. After the nurse gave me the results, she transferred me to the receptionist to schedule a sonogram for tomorrow. I wanted to see the doctor so that we could talk face-to-face and she could assure me that things were ok, but she didn't have anything open until October. The receptionist kept telling me that I'd have to see a nurse practitioner and I was getting upset. Then, she pointed out that I was probably only 4 weeks along and that means what? I don't get to be worried about the baby, or just that I'm not as important? I felt like the whole staff could use a little sensitivity training. After my experience, I sure would have appreciated a little more personal attention.
I had been thinking that I was 7 or 8 weeks pregnant, but the nurses were saying 4 weeks. It was hard to say since I didn't have an LMP to go by, but I knew when we were "trying" and that is the time frame I was using. So, then I started worrying that the baby wasn't developing normally. Hub got mad and asked when we get to be excited about the baby. I couldn't help it. I was anxious all the time. I cried when they took blood, I cried when I got results and there appeared to be no pleasing me. I was happy for a brief moment when I got good results, but then I found something else to worry about.
Friday, September 5....We finally got to see a sonogram of the baby. You couldn't tell what much was and couldn't see a heartbeat yet, but it was still nice to have confirmation that there was a baby. They had to do the sonogram vaginally because she couldn't see anything the normal way. We saw my uterus, the gestational sac and the yolk. Her measurements showed that it was 5 weeks and 1 day old. I told the technician that I thought the baby should be older, but she said that the measurements were in line with the HCG levels and there was no reason to suspect that anything was wrong. She suggested that we do another sonogram in a week and a half to see the heartbeat.
We were kind of confused as to how all of this worked. With our daughter, we would have a sonogram and then see the doctor afterward. At this point, I was getting direction from a nurse and a sonogram technician and hadn't even seen my doctor yet. I wasn't sure what was supposed to be going on and there wasn't one single person to contact with questions.
We put the sonogram picture on the fridge and showed it to P. She didn't seem impressed. We gave away our dog that weekend. While he used to be my baby, he didn't get nearly enough attention since P was born. With another baby on the way, we thought it would be best to find him a good home where he could be spoiled. It was hard, but we felt like it was the best thing for everyone. A friend brought her 6-month old son over and P seemed pretty interested in him. I asked her if we could keep him and she said, "yes". She keeps asking where her brothers and sisters are and I keep telling her that she doesn't have any yet. It is kind of funny because I don't think she understands what brothers and sisters are, but kind of sad because I do and I really want her to have at least one.
Thursday, September 18....That morning at work, I saw a tiny amount of blood when I used the restroom. I hated that I still felt like I needed to look every time I wiped. I had an immediate flashback to July. I called the doctor's office right away. The doctor that called back asked if I had any cramping and I said "no." He said that spotting is common in the first trimester, but considering my previous miscarriage, he said to come in right away for a sonogram. I was absolutely beside myself. Just like before, people saw me crying and it was horribly embarrassing.
I sat in the doctor's office lobby waiting while they finished a staff meeting. I was crying and trying to drink a lot of water for the sonogram. Again, painfully embarrassing. When Hub arrived, they took us back to the room. Again, my bladder was too full, so they did a vaginal ultrasound. We saw the sac and this time, a wriggly thing with a pulsing heartbeat. She had to enlarge the screen quite a bit, but we could see it. She said it was a regular heartbeat.
She measured several times and came up with an age of 6 weeks, 3 days. Since it measured 5 weeks, 1 day when we were in 2 weeks ago, I was worried, but she said that measurements could be off by 5 days at this point. So, we still didn't have a real due date. She said that she didn't see any fluid that would suggest more bleeding was on the way. Normally, they would see pockets of fluid surrounding the sac if that were the case. She said that perhaps the bleeding was from implantation. She said that she couldn't guarantee that I wouldn't miscarry , but they had no reason to suspect that anything was wrong. She gave us some pictures and told me not to do anything strenuous for 2 days.
I was relieved to see the heartbeat, but I still felt like I'd been kicked in the gut...hard. I felt like I had let my guard down and suffered royally for it.
I was emotionally wore out, so I picked some stuff up from work and went home. Hub came home early, too. I didn't have any other problems until late afternoon when I saw another little bit of blood. Again, I showed it to Hub so that we were in it together. We sat there together waiting.
I skipped Bunko that night and my mom and sister came over to help with dinner and the bathing of the child. My mom scared me a little when she asked if having the vaginal sonograms was safe. I hadn't thought about it because I just assumed that these people are professionals and since they hadn't mentioned it, that of course it must be safe. Thankfully, the rest of the weekend passed without incident. I stayed home on Friday, just to be safe. I was still hungry, tired, slightly nauseous and had sore breasts, so I took that as a good sign.
The next week....We were counting the days until the next sonogram. When we were getting ready for bed one night, Hub said, "Yay! Friday is Heartbeat Day!!" I frowned and muttered, "Or, Heartbreak Day." He scowled and said in a harsh tone, "Seriously, when are we going to be able to be excited about this?"
All this waiting...it felt like the longest pregnancy ever. Probably because we had found out so soon and were so anxious. Being unsure of how old the pregnancy was and not having a due date was frustrating, but I went with a guess and signed up for baby update emails. I finally drug out the baby name book and started reading "What To Expect" again. We wanted so badly for the 3 month mark to come so that we could announce the pregnancy. I felt like I was huge already and was thinking I would have to start wearing maternity pants soon. Hub kept saying I was crazy, but one day he finally noticed that indeed, my stomach was noticeably bigger.
Thursday, September 25...We had our appointment with our doctor--finally. They took blood, a urine sample and did a pap smear. Results would be back in a couple of days. She assured us that things were going good. She wanted us to have one more sonogram so that we could see how much it had grown and to reassure us. After that, she said, we would treat it like a normal pregnancy. I felt good afterward. The nurse said that our new due date according to last week's sonogram was May 11. I went to work and circled it on my desk calendar.
I was feeling so good that weekend that my mom and I took my daughter to a cider mill to pick out a pumpkin. We had a great time. She rode a pony and we slid down an inflatable slide and jumped in the moonwalk. I didn't even worry much. I did, however, avoid the apple cider since it was unpasteurized.
Monday, September 29...We got the results from the blood work back. My iron was low, so they had me start taking a supplement.
Thursday, October 2...Heartbeat Day...We had a 10 am appointment, so Hub met me at the doctor's office. We were nervous, but VERY excited. I had to drink a lot of water again, so I stood in the waiting room so that I wouldn't pee all over the couch. I found an article in a magazine about how to acclimate the older sibling to the thought of having a baby. Then, we went back to the sonogram room, where the technician couldn't see anything but my bladder, again. So, I emptied and she used the vaginal tool. We had seen this technician for the last sonogram, so she knew our situation. "How far along was the last miscarriage?" she asked while I got situated. "Six weeks," I answered. "Oh, well, you are already past that point now," she said. We nodded that we had realized that, too and had found some comfort in that fact. She moved around until she found the baby and we watched on the screen. "There's the baby," I said happily, actually breathing a sigh of relief. It was so much more recognizable than just two weeks ago, but Hub joked, "Are you sure that's the baby?" I laughed. "No, not really."
We noticed that the technician wasn't smiling or sharing in our silly conversation. Nor was she pointing out body parts like they normally do. We turned to watch the monitor and waited for her commentary. When she finally spoke, it was with a trembling voice. "It measures 8 weeks, just like it should." She hesitated. I will never, ever forget her next words or exactly how I felt when I heard them. "The only problem is...I don't see a heartbeat."
My heart stopped. I stared at her and waited for her to move the stick around and find the heartbeat. I was sure that she meant that she just needed to look a little more...the baby wasn't in a good position to get one...the machine wasn't working....something, anything. I kept waiting for her to update us, to say, "Oh, there it is! You were hiding, you little rascal." But, those words never came. I turned to look at Hub and his face showed absolute despair and disbelief. That's when I realized that she meant that she wasn't going to be able to find a heartbeat...because it wasn't beating.
The technician finally told me to hold my breath so that the machine could do a scan. I was suddenly hopeful. We watched the lines at the bottom of the screen, searching for a ray of light, but she shook her head. Without looking at us, she said, "Use this to clean up and I'll go get someone to talk to you." Then, she rushed out. That was it. No explanation, no consultation. She obviously didn't want to be the one to break the news. We just sat there stunned. What had just happened? I was confused. I looked at Hub to see if he was as well. He was crying, with his hands on his face.
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