Pretty much the worst dayS ever

I feel sick. Last fall, when I was curled up in bed begging for the pain to end, I never would have guessed that just a year later, I'd be going through a different Hell and that it could get much, much worse. But, after 3 miscarriages and losing my job, I should have figured that the world wasn't done kicking me.

Last night, I had to have a horrible conversation with my not-quite four-year-old daughter. I'd been avoiding it for the past week, but it finally had to be done. She suddenly asked, "Why is it taking Daddy so long to come home?" And I had to sit her down and explain that her daddy no longer lived with us. And I had to watch as her world came crashing down and she wailed, "He doesn't live here? WHY?" I struggled for words to explain that it had nothing to do with her, but that her daddy no longer wanted to be with her mommy, to which she let out another wail of disbelief. Then, I held her as she sobbed, "But I need a daddy!!" I tried to explain that he would still be her daddy and she would still get to see him, but she wouldn't be consoled. After several minutes of crying, she sniffled, "Well, I guess I won't have a daddy. I guess I'll just have a mommy." Then, she needed to be held for a long time. Some time later, she looked up at me and asked, "He's never coming back?"

Today, we were curled up on the couch and she said, "Maybe when the wishing star comes out, I can wish for a Daddy."

I don't even have any words for those moments that break my heart. Infinite sadness and anger. I just can't express how unfair this situation is to this beautiful, intelligent, spirited, light of my life. She is losing so much in this. Her father, her cat, her safe and happy home, her friends, her neighbors, her teachers and school...things that every child needs. Now, she'll be uprooted, taken out of the only home she's ever known, transplanted to a little apartment where she knows no one and has no friends to play with and shares a room with a screaming newborn. She'll have to go back to daycare full-time, likely a new school, with new kids and new teachers and new rules. She's right...the only constant in her life will be me.

I'm so grateful for my family and the fact that they live so close. They are doing everything they can to help make her world keep spinning and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them for it, but they can't be with us all the time. They have their own lives, too. She and I have to find a way to make our lives together as a family of 2-1/2 and to make it happy, if at all possible.

I feel sorry for me, too, of course-- I lost my best friend. It hurts that I can't talk to him or put my arms around him or laugh with him. It is amazing how much a person can change in a couple of weeks. I miss the man he used to be, even if that man was flawed; I still loved him.

I wouldn't be surprised if I go into my pre-natal appointment today and the doctor says that a huge ulcer swallowed the baby whole. I had started feeling better after the first trimester was over, but then all this happened and I started vomiting again, only because of stress now. I can't eat much because I never know if it is going to stay down. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained an ounce since my last appointment.

I hate pretending like everything is fine. People are going to find out eventually, so now you know. There's no point asking "why?" because I don't have the answer and I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible. I know you are shocked and don't know what to say. That's ok. Thanks for your thoughts.

Happy Hallow-birthday!

Today, I wore a tight shirt for the first time and I just loved my little belly bump! I'm already wearing the little extenders on my regular jeans. I did feel the need to tell the new neighbors that I was pregnant so that they wouldn't think I'd just eaten too much candy the night before. I have been feeling better the past couple of days, so I've been trying to get some stuff done, and then I wind up over-doing it. I need to watch that.

Also, if you have the swine flu---STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! This thing is killing pregnant women because their immune systems are already weakened, so please keep your germs to yourself!! (I'm seriously terrified about this.) We got up early to go get in line at the county health dept to get the vaccine, but there were, literally, a thousand people lined up for blocks. I didn't really want to spend my birthday standing outside in line just to find out that they ran out of them.

I've got a baby in my tummy!!

That's my baby! The sonographer wanted to be sure I could see the two little feet sticking up in the air. :) My sister and I heard the heartbeat again and mercifully, I was able to have the sonogram done the normal way! Baby is now measuring 11 weeks, 5 days, which means that Wednesday marks the end of the first trimester!! I was tearing up just from being so thankful to make it this far. I feel like maybe I can relax, just a little, though there is still so much time to go. It feels like a real baby now. A couple people even told me I was showing!! I've noticed a bigger belly the past couple weeks, but I like that other people can tell.

To celebrate, my sister and I had a lovely lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, which I'd been craving. I just can't thank my family enough for all of their love and support.

Sono #2

I had some more bleeding this weekend, but it appeared to be "old" blood, as the doctor described it. I was still nauseous, hungry and tired, but my doctor said that even if I had miscarried, my body may still think it was pregnant, so she really wanted to do another ultrasound. We went in this morning, and I'll be honest, I was expecting the worst.

I can't wait until I can have ultrasounds done the regular way... Anyway, we saw a sac, but it looked empty. I just knew something had happened. But, no, the baby was tucked in the end. But, was there a heartbeat? I was sure there wasn't. But, there was a heartbeat and it was a good one. I was shocked.

She did see some blood on the ultrasound, but it was near the cervix and it didn't appear to be actively bleeding. She said that it could have been from the sonogram/pelvic exam or from implantation. I might see some more bleeding, so I'm going to try not to freak out.

She said the cervix is very vascular, especially during pregnancy. I'm wondering if the aspirin that I'm taking caused more bleeding than I normally would have seen. That's what I'm hoping anyway.

I'm not counting chickens yet, of course, but I'm glad we got good news. 8 weeks, 1 day, so we're still right on target. The picture above is from my phone, so it isn't very good, but the baby is so much more defined this week. You can see the head and appendages of some sort. So...yay. :)

I'm hoping this news can help us get through the next 3 weeks, which are bound to be the roughest. This past weekend was real bad. Tensions are high, I didn't feel well, I'm not finding a job and the house is mess because I didn't want to do anything that would make the bleeding worse. (By the way, if anyone knows of a part-time job where I'd be sitting most of the time, let me know. :) Roy works hard and comes home to do everything and then work on the business, too. Audrey and I have been suffering from serious cabin fever because I didn't want to chase her around the park or go for a walk. She's been talking back a lot and refuses to pick up her toys and calls us "mean" when she doesn't get her way. So, all in all, home has not been fun lately. Ernest the kitten provides some lighter moments when she isn't being abused by the child. We're certainly looking forward to Halloween. And, that's about it....

Waiting

So, the bleeding tapered off Tuesday morning. The nurse said that the bleeding could have been caused by Monday's pelvic exam or the sonogram. They don't want to cause anymore bleeding with another sonogram, so now we wait. If the bleeding returns, that isn't good. If it doesn't come back, maybe things are ok.

Meanwhile, I am sitting on my behind and not doing anything that doesn't have to be done. I don't want to take any chances, so unfortunately Roy is doing everything. Thankfully, he is awesome, but I feel bad since he already works so hard. Poor Audrey will not be going to the park with me anytime soon, so she's getting a little bit of cabin fever. And we wait...

No words

I started bleeding around 11 o'clock last night. My doctor could only come up with "unbelievable."

I flustered a nurse yet again by declining to go in for a sonogram today. We all knew what it would show, so my doctor said she understood. Supposed to go in later this week to draw blood again. Hopefully, it will sort itself out because I do not want to do another D&C.

We can't really even find a way to make funny cracks this time.

Baby

We had our sonogram today and breathed an enormous sigh of relief when we saw that baby's heart was beating. 140 beats per minute-- very strong. I always forget that I have a tilted uterus, so they can't do the sonogram the normal way. SOooo not comfortable. Baby is 7 weeks, 1 day along, which is less than 2 days away from my LMP date, so that is great. That puts the due date around May 14. (Spring Baby!)

But, I'm not getting my hopes up yet. We still have 5 weeks to go before I can breathe a little easier. Of course, the doctor is confident that all will be well, but they always are, aren't they?

The perinatologist wants me to get a sonogram every month and once we get to a certain point, I'll have to do non-stress tests twice a week. So....there you go. I'll keep ya posted.