She said the M word

I posted this at my other blog site, finally (publicly) addressing the fact that I had miscarriages....
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I know I've been neglecting you all lately. Sorry about that. I still need to fill you in on what's been happening over here, but instead, let me use today to address something that several people have mentioned lately. Deep breath.....

Okay...in case you didn't know...I had two miscarriages last year. I have a separate blog that I started back then that I didn't share with anyone. I linked it here, but don't visit unless you are seriously prepared to hear to the gory details. Also, it is VERY personal, as personal as personal gets. I can't even believe some of the things that I shared on there, so A) don't be offended, B) don't be a jerk. My husband "knows some people who know some people who robbed some people." So, don't mess with me.

Another round of friend pregnancies. They seem to come in waves. Friends: please know that I AM happy for you. I am also a tad jealous, but that does not mean that I hate you, nor does it mean that you can not talk about your baby in my presence. A few months ago, that would have been the case, but I'm better now, really. :)It is pretty crazy to think that if we hadn't suffered the first miscarriage, we would have a newborn baby in our house now. That is really hard for me to imagine.I'm struggling a little with the future of Shareapy. At first, it was just for me, then it was also for strangers who needed to know they weren't alone. That part of my life was something I didn't talk about except in the company of close friends and family, but why? Because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear about my dead babies. AWKward....

It is very strange to think that someone who hasn't had a miscarriage and doesn't even know me might read that site. It feels like that dream I have where I forget that I haven't shaved my legs in months, but I go walking around in shorts and everyone is laughing at me, but I don't realize it until I've been out for hours.We are such a voyeuristic society that we like to watch other people's pain up close. Does it make us feel more human to connect to someone's misery? Or does it make us feel better about our own lives? Either way, I engage in it, too. It is the reason I watch reality TV and read other people's blogs. It is just very surreal for me to be on the other side of the looking glass. I've given everyone in school the key to my diary...why would I do that?! I guess I just want everyone to have some insight. Maybe if we talk about miscarriages more openly, the women who experience them won't have to live dual lives--smiling and laughing while they die inside. And,I think it will be a relief that I can talk how this still affects me now.

Here's the deal...the secret is out now. I had two miscarriages. It is a part of who I am. It doesn't mean that I want to bring it up in everyday conversation, but I'm not so fragile anymore that I will burst into tears if it does come up.I'm not going to go into detail, but let me just clear up one thing right now: Miscarriages are a big deal. A HUGE, GIANT, ELEPHANT-SIZED deal. It feels like you lost everything. That might not make sense to someone who has never experienced it, but just take my word for it. I remember what went through my head before I had one. It was something like, "Oh, that sucks. But, they can try again." Oh, dear Lord. Just imagine...every single day, this person will wake up and remember that they were supposed to be pregnant today. Every day takes them closer to a due date that won't come. It is a DAILY struggle.

If you know someone who's had a miscarriage, you are probably wondering what to say to them. Feel free to email me and I can give you some pointers.

What I found especially difficult is that there weren't a lot of resources immediately available to help me. I didn't know what to expect physically or emotionally. I had to do a lot of research on my own, which just made me feel even more alone. Hopefully, other doctors provide more support than mine did.With a miscarriage, there is no one else to feel your pain, except your spouse. While your husband is equally devastated, even he didn't have the physical connection to the baby that you did. The memories are all in your head. They are just visions you created of the love you'd share with your future child. No one can share in your pain because they didn't know your child.

Anyway, my whole point is that I think I will keep Shareapy a separate site because the ladies that need support right now don't want to hear about the necklace I bought last week or some hilarious website or Anna's latest revelation. When they get to a place that they can laugh and smile again, they are welcome with open arms over here at CFB. Meanwhile, all my lovely CFB readers may, once in awhile, hear about how I'm feeling in regard to my miscarriages, because that is as much a part of me as the fact that I can't go two days without gushing over Twilight. Twilight, Twilight, Twilight! I love Twilight!