Pretty much the worst dayS ever

I feel sick. Last fall, when I was curled up in bed begging for the pain to end, I never would have guessed that just a year later, I'd be going through a different Hell and that it could get much, much worse. But, after 3 miscarriages and losing my job, I should have figured that the world wasn't done kicking me.

Last night, I had to have a horrible conversation with my not-quite four-year-old daughter. I'd been avoiding it for the past week, but it finally had to be done. She suddenly asked, "Why is it taking Daddy so long to come home?" And I had to sit her down and explain that her daddy no longer lived with us. And I had to watch as her world came crashing down and she wailed, "He doesn't live here? WHY?" I struggled for words to explain that it had nothing to do with her, but that her daddy no longer wanted to be with her mommy, to which she let out another wail of disbelief. Then, I held her as she sobbed, "But I need a daddy!!" I tried to explain that he would still be her daddy and she would still get to see him, but she wouldn't be consoled. After several minutes of crying, she sniffled, "Well, I guess I won't have a daddy. I guess I'll just have a mommy." Then, she needed to be held for a long time. Some time later, she looked up at me and asked, "He's never coming back?"

Today, we were curled up on the couch and she said, "Maybe when the wishing star comes out, I can wish for a Daddy."

I don't even have any words for those moments that break my heart. Infinite sadness and anger. I just can't express how unfair this situation is to this beautiful, intelligent, spirited, light of my life. She is losing so much in this. Her father, her cat, her safe and happy home, her friends, her neighbors, her teachers and school...things that every child needs. Now, she'll be uprooted, taken out of the only home she's ever known, transplanted to a little apartment where she knows no one and has no friends to play with and shares a room with a screaming newborn. She'll have to go back to daycare full-time, likely a new school, with new kids and new teachers and new rules. She's right...the only constant in her life will be me.

I'm so grateful for my family and the fact that they live so close. They are doing everything they can to help make her world keep spinning and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them for it, but they can't be with us all the time. They have their own lives, too. She and I have to find a way to make our lives together as a family of 2-1/2 and to make it happy, if at all possible.

I feel sorry for me, too, of course-- I lost my best friend. It hurts that I can't talk to him or put my arms around him or laugh with him. It is amazing how much a person can change in a couple of weeks. I miss the man he used to be, even if that man was flawed; I still loved him.

I wouldn't be surprised if I go into my pre-natal appointment today and the doctor says that a huge ulcer swallowed the baby whole. I had started feeling better after the first trimester was over, but then all this happened and I started vomiting again, only because of stress now. I can't eat much because I never know if it is going to stay down. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained an ounce since my last appointment.

I hate pretending like everything is fine. People are going to find out eventually, so now you know. There's no point asking "why?" because I don't have the answer and I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible. I know you are shocked and don't know what to say. That's ok. Thanks for your thoughts.

Happy Hallow-birthday!

Today, I wore a tight shirt for the first time and I just loved my little belly bump! I'm already wearing the little extenders on my regular jeans. I did feel the need to tell the new neighbors that I was pregnant so that they wouldn't think I'd just eaten too much candy the night before. I have been feeling better the past couple of days, so I've been trying to get some stuff done, and then I wind up over-doing it. I need to watch that.

Also, if you have the swine flu---STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! This thing is killing pregnant women because their immune systems are already weakened, so please keep your germs to yourself!! (I'm seriously terrified about this.) We got up early to go get in line at the county health dept to get the vaccine, but there were, literally, a thousand people lined up for blocks. I didn't really want to spend my birthday standing outside in line just to find out that they ran out of them.