I'm blue (da ba dee)

Today is May 11. Da da dum. I've been thinking about this day for a long time, but this past week, I thought of it a lot. Yesterday was kind of hard. I wanted to be happy about Mother's Day, but I kept remembering that I was supposed to be a mother of two.

I knew today would be rough, but I had decided that Anna and I would keep busy. We were going to go to the library, make cookies and paint pictures. She decided it was a pig-tail day, so we both busted some out. Then, she decided that she wanted to play with her animals and didn't want to go to the library. I don't have the strength to force her today, so I thought I'd sit down and wait her out. She loves the library, so I knew she'd come around.

Opened my computer to check Facebook and oh, hi, look at someone's 3D sonogram pics. And, that is all it took to derail me. All this after I said last week that I was "better now" and I "wouldn't break down" if the subject came up and people shouldn't feel bad about mentioning their babies to me. I guess I'm a big, fat liar, liar, pants on fire.I have some pretty strange dreams. Last night's is easy enough to decipher. We were living in a small house by the ocean. My mom and grandma were there, as well as my friend Julie and her husband, Byron. We were watching a TV movie about Nancy Grace (who was a brunette) which was fascinating. I was holding Anna and the moms were watching our 5 month-old daughter (random), who we kept calling "Susie" (after my sister), even though that wasn't her name. All of a sudden my mom runs into the room and says that Susie just said her first words. I picked her up and she looked at me and said, "Where's Daddy?" I was so elated that I ran the girls out to the beach, where Roy (the fisherman) was returning with the other men with the day's catch. I told him the good news and we all embraced as a perfect, shining family. There are a lot of gaffes in this dream, the least of which being that babies don't speak two-word questions at 5 months, but dreams are silly that way.

Last week, we found out that there was yet another recall on the brand of crib we had purchased. I swear, if we found out that the stupid box sitting untouched in our garage was recalled, we were just going to call it a draw. I will NOT be walking back into Babies R Us until I need to buy something for a real baby with a real due date. No more trips for hypothetical babies. It turned out that our new crib was fine, but the lesson here is, DO NOT buy Jardine cribs from BRU. 60% of the time, they get recalled every time.

Some day I'll get over myself and remember that there are far worse things than losing a baby or babies that I didn't know, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. What stings the most is that no one else around me would remember this date. Just me. Not even my husband. I don't blame him. I would have put this out of my mind if I could. I put the two sonogram pictures in the top of the closet along with the "What to Expect" and "1000 Baby Names" books. I haven't looked at them since October, but today might be the day I decide to face those demons. Maybe tomorrow will be the magic day that I wake up and move on. At the very least, you should all demand a sunnier post...or your money back.

I am SAHM, SAHM I am

This was my fourth week as a "part-time stay at home mom," meaning that Anna is now staying home with me three days a week. This is a big switch from going to school every day. She still goes to preschool two days a week, but that leaves ME in charge of her nutrition and education for three days. ME. The weekends don't count because we just play around. I knew she was getting a good education and nutritious meals five days a week, so we could be more relaxed on the weekends. Now, I'm responsible for making sure she eats veggies and learns to read. YIKES.

Ever since I became pregnant, my dream has been to stay at home with Anna. I was able to work part-time her first year, so I got to spend every afternoon with her and it was fabulous. But, she was a baby then and easy to entertain and easy to feed.

SAHM. The abbreviation is kind of annoying. Heather has her own version. The most fitting one that I could come up with for myself was: Slightly Anal Hell Monster. Roy would argue that "slightly" is not accurate.

Anna's preschool teachers would definitely be able to comment on my new nickname for myself. They have felt alot of my wrath lately as we've had many "incidents" that they needed to address. That is a whole other issue that I can't go into right now, but I'm sure they call me much worse behind my back. But honestly, she only goes two days a week now! You would think they could manage to follow regulations and keep her safe for TWO DAYS!!

ANYway, I'm proud to say that we've been doing pretty good here though. Anna is certainly enjoying more time at home. The first day she was here, I quizzed her on her letter recognition and we've been working on the ones she had trouble with. We do a letter per week and work on recognizing it, drawing it, and associating a sound with it, as well as words that begin with that letter. It really is fun to see her pick out letters she sees now and to know that I taught her that.

She loves the library, the mall and the park, but we've also had a ton of fun playing dress up and dancing around the house. She does a great job of alternating music with me so that we aren't listening to "Bop Bop Dinosaur" all day. She can sing the "Mamma Mia" soundtrack almost as well as I can. Some days are easier than others, of course. There were a couple of times that we actually yelled at each other, but I know we're closer than ever. She tells me everyday that I'm "her best friend," so I take that as a good sign.

Yesterday was a very good day. We made chocolate chip muffins for breakfast. Then, we decorated Mother's Day cards for grandmas. She practiced writing some letters and was very proud of herself. We got out my beads that have been gathering dust in the closet since her birth and made a bracelet. She picked out all the beads and loved the result so much that she wore it to school and showed it to everyone.

This whole experience is weird for me because I feel like I am in limbo. I don't really consider myself a stay-at-home mom because I intend to get a job and am actively looking for one. However, no one wants me, so it could be awhile. I would like to be a full-time writer and photographer, but while I attempt to refine my skills in both on a daily basis, I feel like I'm not getting very far because I have to split my time between so many things. Marketing yourself online really requires a LOT of time. And then there's housework. Ugh. I just can't keep up with everything, so that suffers the most.

All of this plus the drama that I don't write about and the fact that next week would have been my due date makes me a very blue girl sometimes. So...I talked to my doctor and upped my medication yesterday. I hope this gets me over the hump. I really meant for this to be an upbeat post...kind of screwed that one up.