Had a trip to the ER tonight. The cramps got up to one every minute at one point, so the nurse had me go in. So, at 19 weeks I'm already having Braxton-Hicks contractions. I guess my uterus is practicing for the Big Dance. They gave me a prescription to stop them and told me to drink 100 oz of water a day. Is that even possible?! I'm supposed to relax and check in with my nurse tomorrow.

The baby is too small to hook up to a fetal monitor, but it had a strong heartbeat. He sure was kicking a lot. The doctor was warning me about pre-term labor and how the baby isn't "viable" enough for delivery yet. She was preaching to me about relaxing and the harmful effects of stress. I was all, "Lady, I am totally chill. I got no worries." I will totally relax right after I clean up the dinner dishes, put away the laundry that's on the bed, take out the trash, wrangle the kid into her jammies, brush her teeth and put her back to bed 15 times. Then, I will totally put my feet up.

My after-care instructions actually said, "Don't lift anything; have someone else take care of household chores and cook for you." I had to laugh. I'm such a martyr, right?

I just want to say "thank you" to everyone that is offering assistance and kind thoughts. Seriously, I can't tell you how much it means to me. Unfortunately, I have no positive news to report on the home front...he just doesn't want to come back.

I've been desperately searching for a job and I have a couple options, neither of them what I was hoping for. I could take one job that pays barely over minimum wage and an unpredictable schedule, but has health care benefits and the possibility of promotion. Or, I could take another job that pays several dollars an hour more (still far less than my previous job), but does not have benefits (which I will need) and has no possibility of promotion, but would be working for a very nice lady that is sympathetic to my situation. Both jobs require a lot of time on my feet and daily lifting of large boxes, so that should be exciting.

By the time I pay for child care, I will be bringing home practically nothing. I applied for discounted child care, which I may qualify for, but only if I take the lower paying job...the one that would make child care difficult by its ever-changing schedule. With the temporary child support/spousal support I'm getting, I don't qualify for food assistance. Neither of these jobs will pay the bills that will allow me to keep the house or the minivan. Since I'm pretty sure I owe more on both those loans than they are worth, I'm not sure where that leaves me. Oh, I know...completely stressed out.

I've been able to disguise my belly pretty well until last week. All of sudden, it was just OUT there. I'd felt a couple flutters here and there, but I was too busy to really pay much attention. Friday night, he felt the need to really make his presence felt, by hosting a rave at 11 pm. It actually felt kind of frantic, which freaked me out, but it calmed down after about 30 minutes. I've definitely been able to identify his movements since then. However, Saturday, I started having tightening that felt like the Braxton Hicks contractions that I had with the Munchkin. Obviously, it is way too early for that to be normal, so when they didn't go away, I called the doctor Sunday night. I drank a TON of water, as directed, but they've still been happening. On Monday, the nurse reiterated that I need to be drinking at least 64 oz of water a day or I'll get dehydrated. I had no problem doing that at my desk job with Munchkin, but I'm kind of busy right now, so I haven't spent much time thinking about my water intake. My aunt told me that she went into premature labor when she got dehydrated, so I made sure to drink it today, but I still have the cramping, so I don't know what the problem is.

I keep thinking of that scene in "Reality Bites" where the newspaper editor asks Wynona Ryder's character to define "irony". We tried unsuccessfully for a year and a half to have a healthy pregnancy. I have one now, but I'm so busy being a single parent that I can't enjoy it. In fact, can barely think about it. That's irony.

Since I've announced the gender of the baby, I've been getting a lot of questions. I don't mind the questions at all, but the answers make me sad.

FAQ:

1. Do you have a name picked out?----No. I'm still thinking about using Isabella. The Munchkin likes Herman and Santa Baby.

2. Are you registered?----No. I don't even remember what a baby needs. With the Munchkin, we had the nursery oufitted and ready by month 3. I had every intention of having the nursery ready by now, but as previously discussed, there are more pressing issues, like where we will be living. All the baby clothes I have are pink and I'm totally okay with him wearing that. It will give him something to talk about in therapy when he's older.

3. Do you need anything?---Yes. A good paying job with benefits that will allow me to sit during my high-risk pregnancy. Affordable child care at a quality, licensed facility center. A miracle that will allow me to raise my children in this house. An angel that will magically save me from the insanity that will likely ensue when the newborn is screaming for no reason at 3 am and I am so tired that I don't know my name and my 4 year old can't sleep through the racket and I have to get up in 2 hours to get them dressed and ready for work. Because how am I going to be able to afford to take any maternity leave?!

Sorry...I'm having a pity party. I try to think about how much worse it could be, but I don't get very far sometimes.

Boy, oh Boy

Baby is 17 weeks today...My appointment on Monday went fine. I heard the heartbeat, which sounded very strong. Today, I had a Level 2 sonogram at the perinatologist. Baby looks great, right on schedule, weighs 6 oz. and...IT'S A BOY!!! (I have no clue what to do with a boy.)

So, my husband came by last night. We were able to talk about some next steps and we didn't even argue. It was nice to have normal-ish conversations about family and such.

I invited him to come to today's sonogram. I brought the Munchkin, as well, so she was excited to "see" the baby. He was absolutely thrilled to find out that it was a boy. It was nice to share a happy moment as a family. I asked (again) if he would come home and work things out. I told him that I missed him and he said that he missed me, too, but he just wasn't sure about coming back.

And so, here is my public plea to him...PLEASE come home. I know we can fix this. I am completely committed to doing everything I can to save this marriage. Come be a part of a lovely family of four. Without your constant supervision, this baby may end up wearing pink tutus and carrying sparkly wands. Please, please, please come home. We miss you.

I can't even give the baby much thought any more. All of my joy is packed away now. I'll still be cautious and avoid caffeine and all that, but I can't sit and dream or plan anymore. If I think too much about raising a newborn and a preschooler by myself, I start to panic. The Munchkin is still thrilled, of course. She asks about the baby constantly and talks about what she'll teach it and what a great big sister she's going to be. She pats my belly and talks to it. Ironic that the baby "we" wanted so dearly is finally coming, but I'll be raising it alone.

Pretty much the worst dayS ever

I feel sick. Last fall, when I was curled up in bed begging for the pain to end, I never would have guessed that just a year later, I'd be going through a different Hell and that it could get much, much worse. But, after 3 miscarriages and losing my job, I should have figured that the world wasn't done kicking me.

Last night, I had to have a horrible conversation with my not-quite four-year-old daughter. I'd been avoiding it for the past week, but it finally had to be done. She suddenly asked, "Why is it taking Daddy so long to come home?" And I had to sit her down and explain that her daddy no longer lived with us. And I had to watch as her world came crashing down and she wailed, "He doesn't live here? WHY?" I struggled for words to explain that it had nothing to do with her, but that her daddy no longer wanted to be with her mommy, to which she let out another wail of disbelief. Then, I held her as she sobbed, "But I need a daddy!!" I tried to explain that he would still be her daddy and she would still get to see him, but she wouldn't be consoled. After several minutes of crying, she sniffled, "Well, I guess I won't have a daddy. I guess I'll just have a mommy." Then, she needed to be held for a long time. Some time later, she looked up at me and asked, "He's never coming back?"

Today, we were curled up on the couch and she said, "Maybe when the wishing star comes out, I can wish for a Daddy."

I don't even have any words for those moments that break my heart. Infinite sadness and anger. I just can't express how unfair this situation is to this beautiful, intelligent, spirited, light of my life. She is losing so much in this. Her father, her cat, her safe and happy home, her friends, her neighbors, her teachers and school...things that every child needs. Now, she'll be uprooted, taken out of the only home she's ever known, transplanted to a little apartment where she knows no one and has no friends to play with and shares a room with a screaming newborn. She'll have to go back to daycare full-time, likely a new school, with new kids and new teachers and new rules. She's right...the only constant in her life will be me.

I'm so grateful for my family and the fact that they live so close. They are doing everything they can to help make her world keep spinning and I LOVE LOVE LOVE them for it, but they can't be with us all the time. They have their own lives, too. She and I have to find a way to make our lives together as a family of 2-1/2 and to make it happy, if at all possible.

I feel sorry for me, too, of course-- I lost my best friend. It hurts that I can't talk to him or put my arms around him or laugh with him. It is amazing how much a person can change in a couple of weeks. I miss the man he used to be, even if that man was flawed; I still loved him.

I wouldn't be surprised if I go into my pre-natal appointment today and the doctor says that a huge ulcer swallowed the baby whole. I had started feeling better after the first trimester was over, but then all this happened and I started vomiting again, only because of stress now. I can't eat much because I never know if it is going to stay down. I'm pretty sure I haven't gained an ounce since my last appointment.

I hate pretending like everything is fine. People are going to find out eventually, so now you know. There's no point asking "why?" because I don't have the answer and I'm trying to keep this as civil as possible. I know you are shocked and don't know what to say. That's ok. Thanks for your thoughts.

Happy Hallow-birthday!

Today, I wore a tight shirt for the first time and I just loved my little belly bump! I'm already wearing the little extenders on my regular jeans. I did feel the need to tell the new neighbors that I was pregnant so that they wouldn't think I'd just eaten too much candy the night before. I have been feeling better the past couple of days, so I've been trying to get some stuff done, and then I wind up over-doing it. I need to watch that.

Also, if you have the swine flu---STAY AWAY FROM ME!!! This thing is killing pregnant women because their immune systems are already weakened, so please keep your germs to yourself!! (I'm seriously terrified about this.) We got up early to go get in line at the county health dept to get the vaccine, but there were, literally, a thousand people lined up for blocks. I didn't really want to spend my birthday standing outside in line just to find out that they ran out of them.

I've got a baby in my tummy!!

That's my baby! The sonographer wanted to be sure I could see the two little feet sticking up in the air. :) My sister and I heard the heartbeat again and mercifully, I was able to have the sonogram done the normal way! Baby is now measuring 11 weeks, 5 days, which means that Wednesday marks the end of the first trimester!! I was tearing up just from being so thankful to make it this far. I feel like maybe I can relax, just a little, though there is still so much time to go. It feels like a real baby now. A couple people even told me I was showing!! I've noticed a bigger belly the past couple weeks, but I like that other people can tell.

To celebrate, my sister and I had a lovely lunch at the Cheesecake Factory, which I'd been craving. I just can't thank my family enough for all of their love and support.