Big News!!

So...we've been busy shooting engagements, weddings and portraits. Car show this weekend and we have three shoots lined up for next weekend. Fall is just around the corner!! Can you feel it?!

And...yesterday I went to the doctor to confirm my suspicions...and found out that I am indeed,5 weeks pregnant!! I'm ecstatic and terrified and I will likely be a total monster during the next 9 months, so please forgive me. Expect somethings along the lines of, "Don't smoke in my general vicinity! Are you crazy?!" or "Don't you dare touch my stomach! Do you want me to break your arm?!" If you don't remember why, see this post. In a burst of optimism, I have now added a "pregnancy" label. Yay! (I'm very tired and my back hurts, so don't get angry that you didn't get a personal phone call. This is way easier.)

Normally, I wouldn't share this happy news with people until we reached that critical 3 month mark, but I've put everything else out here, so I might as well document the whole experience.

I'll get results from a progesterone test on Monday, but my doctor has me taking a supplement anyway since my levels were low during the last pregnancy. I have my first prenatal appointment (with a new obstetrician) on Tuesday, so I'm anxious to find out how we are going to go about keeping me sane during this process, especially since I have to quit my happy pills. I think I have Restless Leg Syndrome, which is very uncomfortable. That combined with the lower back pain that is pretty much constant, make me really nervous, but I'm going to try to be positive.

I'm blue (da ba dee)

Today is May 11. Da da dum. I've been thinking about this day for a long time, but this past week, I thought of it a lot. Yesterday was kind of hard. I wanted to be happy about Mother's Day, but I kept remembering that I was supposed to be a mother of two.

I knew today would be rough, but I had decided that Anna and I would keep busy. We were going to go to the library, make cookies and paint pictures. She decided it was a pig-tail day, so we both busted some out. Then, she decided that she wanted to play with her animals and didn't want to go to the library. I don't have the strength to force her today, so I thought I'd sit down and wait her out. She loves the library, so I knew she'd come around.

Opened my computer to check Facebook and oh, hi, look at someone's 3D sonogram pics. And, that is all it took to derail me. All this after I said last week that I was "better now" and I "wouldn't break down" if the subject came up and people shouldn't feel bad about mentioning their babies to me. I guess I'm a big, fat liar, liar, pants on fire.I have some pretty strange dreams. Last night's is easy enough to decipher. We were living in a small house by the ocean. My mom and grandma were there, as well as my friend Julie and her husband, Byron. We were watching a TV movie about Nancy Grace (who was a brunette) which was fascinating. I was holding Anna and the moms were watching our 5 month-old daughter (random), who we kept calling "Susie" (after my sister), even though that wasn't her name. All of a sudden my mom runs into the room and says that Susie just said her first words. I picked her up and she looked at me and said, "Where's Daddy?" I was so elated that I ran the girls out to the beach, where Roy (the fisherman) was returning with the other men with the day's catch. I told him the good news and we all embraced as a perfect, shining family. There are a lot of gaffes in this dream, the least of which being that babies don't speak two-word questions at 5 months, but dreams are silly that way.

Last week, we found out that there was yet another recall on the brand of crib we had purchased. I swear, if we found out that the stupid box sitting untouched in our garage was recalled, we were just going to call it a draw. I will NOT be walking back into Babies R Us until I need to buy something for a real baby with a real due date. No more trips for hypothetical babies. It turned out that our new crib was fine, but the lesson here is, DO NOT buy Jardine cribs from BRU. 60% of the time, they get recalled every time.

Some day I'll get over myself and remember that there are far worse things than losing a baby or babies that I didn't know, but today, I'm just feeling sorry for myself. What stings the most is that no one else around me would remember this date. Just me. Not even my husband. I don't blame him. I would have put this out of my mind if I could. I put the two sonogram pictures in the top of the closet along with the "What to Expect" and "1000 Baby Names" books. I haven't looked at them since October, but today might be the day I decide to face those demons. Maybe tomorrow will be the magic day that I wake up and move on. At the very least, you should all demand a sunnier post...or your money back.

I am SAHM, SAHM I am

This was my fourth week as a "part-time stay at home mom," meaning that Anna is now staying home with me three days a week. This is a big switch from going to school every day. She still goes to preschool two days a week, but that leaves ME in charge of her nutrition and education for three days. ME. The weekends don't count because we just play around. I knew she was getting a good education and nutritious meals five days a week, so we could be more relaxed on the weekends. Now, I'm responsible for making sure she eats veggies and learns to read. YIKES.

Ever since I became pregnant, my dream has been to stay at home with Anna. I was able to work part-time her first year, so I got to spend every afternoon with her and it was fabulous. But, she was a baby then and easy to entertain and easy to feed.

SAHM. The abbreviation is kind of annoying. Heather has her own version. The most fitting one that I could come up with for myself was: Slightly Anal Hell Monster. Roy would argue that "slightly" is not accurate.

Anna's preschool teachers would definitely be able to comment on my new nickname for myself. They have felt alot of my wrath lately as we've had many "incidents" that they needed to address. That is a whole other issue that I can't go into right now, but I'm sure they call me much worse behind my back. But honestly, she only goes two days a week now! You would think they could manage to follow regulations and keep her safe for TWO DAYS!!

ANYway, I'm proud to say that we've been doing pretty good here though. Anna is certainly enjoying more time at home. The first day she was here, I quizzed her on her letter recognition and we've been working on the ones she had trouble with. We do a letter per week and work on recognizing it, drawing it, and associating a sound with it, as well as words that begin with that letter. It really is fun to see her pick out letters she sees now and to know that I taught her that.

She loves the library, the mall and the park, but we've also had a ton of fun playing dress up and dancing around the house. She does a great job of alternating music with me so that we aren't listening to "Bop Bop Dinosaur" all day. She can sing the "Mamma Mia" soundtrack almost as well as I can. Some days are easier than others, of course. There were a couple of times that we actually yelled at each other, but I know we're closer than ever. She tells me everyday that I'm "her best friend," so I take that as a good sign.

Yesterday was a very good day. We made chocolate chip muffins for breakfast. Then, we decorated Mother's Day cards for grandmas. She practiced writing some letters and was very proud of herself. We got out my beads that have been gathering dust in the closet since her birth and made a bracelet. She picked out all the beads and loved the result so much that she wore it to school and showed it to everyone.

This whole experience is weird for me because I feel like I am in limbo. I don't really consider myself a stay-at-home mom because I intend to get a job and am actively looking for one. However, no one wants me, so it could be awhile. I would like to be a full-time writer and photographer, but while I attempt to refine my skills in both on a daily basis, I feel like I'm not getting very far because I have to split my time between so many things. Marketing yourself online really requires a LOT of time. And then there's housework. Ugh. I just can't keep up with everything, so that suffers the most.

All of this plus the drama that I don't write about and the fact that next week would have been my due date makes me a very blue girl sometimes. So...I talked to my doctor and upped my medication yesterday. I hope this gets me over the hump. I really meant for this to be an upbeat post...kind of screwed that one up.

She said the M word

I posted this at my other blog site, finally (publicly) addressing the fact that I had miscarriages....
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I know I've been neglecting you all lately. Sorry about that. I still need to fill you in on what's been happening over here, but instead, let me use today to address something that several people have mentioned lately. Deep breath.....

Okay...in case you didn't know...I had two miscarriages last year. I have a separate blog that I started back then that I didn't share with anyone. I linked it here, but don't visit unless you are seriously prepared to hear to the gory details. Also, it is VERY personal, as personal as personal gets. I can't even believe some of the things that I shared on there, so A) don't be offended, B) don't be a jerk. My husband "knows some people who know some people who robbed some people." So, don't mess with me.

Another round of friend pregnancies. They seem to come in waves. Friends: please know that I AM happy for you. I am also a tad jealous, but that does not mean that I hate you, nor does it mean that you can not talk about your baby in my presence. A few months ago, that would have been the case, but I'm better now, really. :)It is pretty crazy to think that if we hadn't suffered the first miscarriage, we would have a newborn baby in our house now. That is really hard for me to imagine.I'm struggling a little with the future of Shareapy. At first, it was just for me, then it was also for strangers who needed to know they weren't alone. That part of my life was something I didn't talk about except in the company of close friends and family, but why? Because I didn't want to make people uncomfortable. No one wants to hear about my dead babies. AWKward....

It is very strange to think that someone who hasn't had a miscarriage and doesn't even know me might read that site. It feels like that dream I have where I forget that I haven't shaved my legs in months, but I go walking around in shorts and everyone is laughing at me, but I don't realize it until I've been out for hours.We are such a voyeuristic society that we like to watch other people's pain up close. Does it make us feel more human to connect to someone's misery? Or does it make us feel better about our own lives? Either way, I engage in it, too. It is the reason I watch reality TV and read other people's blogs. It is just very surreal for me to be on the other side of the looking glass. I've given everyone in school the key to my diary...why would I do that?! I guess I just want everyone to have some insight. Maybe if we talk about miscarriages more openly, the women who experience them won't have to live dual lives--smiling and laughing while they die inside. And,I think it will be a relief that I can talk how this still affects me now.

Here's the deal...the secret is out now. I had two miscarriages. It is a part of who I am. It doesn't mean that I want to bring it up in everyday conversation, but I'm not so fragile anymore that I will burst into tears if it does come up.I'm not going to go into detail, but let me just clear up one thing right now: Miscarriages are a big deal. A HUGE, GIANT, ELEPHANT-SIZED deal. It feels like you lost everything. That might not make sense to someone who has never experienced it, but just take my word for it. I remember what went through my head before I had one. It was something like, "Oh, that sucks. But, they can try again." Oh, dear Lord. Just imagine...every single day, this person will wake up and remember that they were supposed to be pregnant today. Every day takes them closer to a due date that won't come. It is a DAILY struggle.

If you know someone who's had a miscarriage, you are probably wondering what to say to them. Feel free to email me and I can give you some pointers.

What I found especially difficult is that there weren't a lot of resources immediately available to help me. I didn't know what to expect physically or emotionally. I had to do a lot of research on my own, which just made me feel even more alone. Hopefully, other doctors provide more support than mine did.With a miscarriage, there is no one else to feel your pain, except your spouse. While your husband is equally devastated, even he didn't have the physical connection to the baby that you did. The memories are all in your head. They are just visions you created of the love you'd share with your future child. No one can share in your pain because they didn't know your child.

Anyway, my whole point is that I think I will keep Shareapy a separate site because the ladies that need support right now don't want to hear about the necklace I bought last week or some hilarious website or Anna's latest revelation. When they get to a place that they can laugh and smile again, they are welcome with open arms over here at CFB. Meanwhile, all my lovely CFB readers may, once in awhile, hear about how I'm feeling in regard to my miscarriages, because that is as much a part of me as the fact that I can't go two days without gushing over Twilight. Twilight, Twilight, Twilight! I love Twilight!

Stephenie Meyer, my salvation

I started this as a journal, of sorts, for myself. I figured that if it helped someone, that would be a perk. I see now that there was a comment on my first entry, so I'm thinking that people may actually be reading this, so I should try to pass on some wisdom.

When I first experienced my miscarriages, I did a lot of searching on the internet and it did help to find blogs of other women who had been through this. Just knowing that you aren't alone helps a little. At first, it felt like I would never be at a point where I could even function, let alone be happy. I'm glad to say that I am now in a place where I can go a day, sometimes longer, without thinking about the miscarriage. As a disclaimer, everything expressed here relates to my situation and no one else's. I realize that what worked for me, may not be what someone else needs.

Having come out on the other side of this mess, I can now share with you what helped me. Again, I stress that this helped me. It may or may not apply to you, but I figure that anything is worth a shot when you are absolutely miserable.

Yesterday, I posted that being on meds helps keep the pain at bay. Again, medication may not be for everyone, but it has given me a welcome relief. I am a very emotional person under normal circumstances. Under the duress of two miscarriages, I was a wreck. Normally, I would say that I enjoy being able to feel emotions at their rawest form--it does make me feel alive. I've heard someone say that she didn't feel like herself when she took medication because she couldn't feel emotion. I needed a break from the emotion. Anyway, my post yesterday reminded me of the book, New Moon.

Laugh if you want, but the Twilight series was the buoy that I needed in my storm. Seriously. I picked it up about 6 weeks after the second miscarriage and it was exactly what I needed. I had tried to read a book about getting through miscarriages, but it just made me even more miserable. I found no comfort in religion. I needed a distraction. I became engrossed in this series and they gave me something else to think about. It got me through the roughest part. Then, I decided that I was ready to try medication. I'm still totally in love with the books and have read them all twice. If you haven't gotten hooked yet, you might give them a try. The second book, New Moon, really hit home. The main character goes through a very dark time in her life and I was really able to connect with her pain. Sure, she is 17 and I'm 30. She is fictional and I am...not. She lost her first love and I lost two children, but...we are both women and we bear some absolutely unbearable pain.

Here are some pieces of wisdom from New Moon (copyright Stephenie Meyer)...

"I wished I could feel numb again, but I couldn't remember how I'd managed it before. The nightmare was nagging at my mind and making me think about things that would cause me pain....Even as I shuddered away from the images, I felt my eyes fill with tears and the aching begin around the edges of the hole in my chest. I took one hand from the steering wheel and wrapped it around my torso to hold it in one piece." (pg 123)

"The hole came back, the way it always did when I was away from Jacob, but it didn't throb so badly around the edges. I was already planning ahead, looking forward to more delusions, and that was a distraction...That made the empty hole and the familiar pain easier to bear; relief was in sight. The nightmare, too, had lost a little of its potency. I was horrified by the nothingness, as always, but I was also strangely impatient as I waited for the moment that would send me screaming into consciousness. I knew the nightmare had to end." (pg 193)

"I was like a lost moon--my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation--that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity." (pg 201)

"I was an empty shell. Like a vacant house--condemned--for months I'd been utterly uninhabitable. Now I was a little improved. The front room was in better repair. But that was all--just the one small piece..." (pg 216)

Gone so long...and really none the wiser

Wow. Just rereading my entries. Bitter much?

I guess the difference now is that I'm on meds. Nothing hurts quite as bad. It is like, you know the pain is there, but you just feel the edges of the pain--not the whole thing. I'm in therapy, too, but I'm going to have to cut back to once a month instead of the once a week that felt really good.

For months, we have gone back and forth between, A) Let's have a baby right now. and B) Who needs another mouth to feed? Not us.

We had decided to wait until the new year to even talk about it. The new year came and went and we are no closer to a decision than we were.

There was a big ugly date that was posted to our bulletin board that kept screaming at me in exclamation points. (Is there any other way to scream?) Long story, but the short version is that our daughter's crib was recalled last summer. Since she was 2-1/2, we went ahead and moved her to a toddler bed. We figured that we would be needing the crib again soon anyway. We received a voucher for a new crib and we would have to purchase this crib by 1/31/09. That seemed like a million years away, so no biggie. Then, of course, the unthinkable happened.

Suddenly, this voucher and its date were mocking me. So cruel. We still hadn't made a decision by The Date, though I thought about it every day, so we took it to the baby store and picked out a stupid crib for a baby that probably won't get conceived. I, being on meds, actually made it through the experience I'd been dreading with little emotion. Hub, not being on meds, really struggled with it. He hated every minute and couldn't wait to leave. I don't even remember what we picked out, but it is sitting in the garage, still in the box. Where it will remain. Possibly until the end of time. We would give it away, but, what if?

I got laid off last week, so now all is in chaos. I guess we've tabled the discussion yet again.

Results

About six weeks after the D&C, we got the results from the fetal sample, which was inconclusive. The doctor had told me this would probably happen, but I was still hoping it would provide some magical answer that would put my mind at ease.

At the end of November, we got the results from the extensive blood work that my doctor did on me. The purpose was to see if there was any obvious reason for the miscarriages...thyroid, clotting, diabetes...I can't even remember the rest. The results were all normal, aside from the fact that I apparently have a genetic pre-disposition to heart disease...swell...so nothing new to report there.

Obviously, we're glad there is nothing wrong with me, but it would have been nice to hear, "Oh, here is the problem...Pop some baby aspirin and you'll be all good next time."

Regardless of what anyone says, I will always wonder if I did something wrong to cause this. And, without something to pinpoint the problem, I will carry this fear that it might happen again. And, yes, fear is going to hold me back. I know, "a life half-lived" and all that jazz.